A Charming Mishap
by Dysfunction Junction
Summary: Marth is sick of a certain 'captains' unwanted advances and decides to do something about it.


If Marth had to describe all of his unrivaled greatness in only one word, it would have to be charming.

This would be followed by a close second: handsome, intelligent, regal, or downright sexy. Take your pick.

Unfortunately having charm had its drawbacks, especially when it involved a certain '_captains_' unwanted advances.

For months now Marth had been living with the obsessive man's behavior. At first, he had been flattered that someone would be so interested in him as to leave flowers and other assorted gifts every morning and night. The magic had worn off once he'd started the habit of stalking Marth everywhere. Not a moment seemed to go by where Marth didn't feel the need to glance behind his shoulder and pray that he wasn't being followed. It was starting to drive him insane.

So as he stood over his room mate/lover/royal pain in the ass, he hoped that his charming ways would be enough to get him what he wanted. If not he always had...plan B.

Ike was currently sprawled on his bed, in a rare state of laziness, reading a rather large book. Marth stared down at the man with a smile, trying to look as nonchalant as possible.

"What are you reading?" he asked.

Ike turned away from him with no reply.

"Come on Ike, let's go outside. It's so beautiful out," he suggested.

Ike grunted (Marth had since learned that particular grunt meant no) and Marth's smile slanted a bit.

"Come on, I really want to talk to you about something."

The rustling of a page turning was his only reply. He frowned.

"..It's really important," he pleaded.

Ike glared at him from over the top of his book. "What is it?" he finally asked.

"I need your help with something." Marth said, fingering a loose thread on the bedspread in an 'innocent' manner.'

Ike continued to stare at him, trying hard not to be drawn in by the obvious flirting."...and what would that be?" he asked, then quickly added, "It better not involve any demonic animals."

Marth gave him a disturbed look. "What?"

"Never mind," he said gruffly. "So what is it?"

Marth made eyes at Ike looking purposefully coy. He began running circles on the bed with his fingers.

"Do you like me Ike?" he asked. "I mean like really, really like me?"

Ike faltered at this

"...I guess so?" he answered. It wasn't completely convincing but Marth took it anyway.

"So then you would help me if I was in trouble, right?"

Ike rolled his eyes heavenward. "What did you do?" he asked with a long drawn out sigh.

This caused Marth to point at himself defensively. "Me?, I didn't do anything."

Ike didn't look convinced, so he continued, "It's actually what someone else is doing to me."

The prince then proceeded to walk across to his side of the room and pull out a large bouquet of flowers. The words _To my darling princess_ were displayed on an enormously tacky green bow that was draped on the front. The arrangement looked like it had been selected by a colorblind, monkey who was on drugs, and had possibly been drinking.

Ike burst out laughing as soon as he saw it. "What the hell is that?" he asked in between laughs.

"This," Marth seethed, as he waved the bouquet around, causing flower petals to fly everywhere. "Is what I need help with."

"I can see that," Ike said, still laughing slightly, "I may not be an expert on arranging flowers, but that has to be the worst bouquet I have ever seen. Clearly you need to take classes or something."

Had Marth any less patience, he would have undoubtedly have thrown the arrangement straight at the mercenary's head, and hope that a thorn pierced one of his eyes.

"No, I don't need help with the flowers, I need help with the man who is giving them to me."

More flowers were destroyed as he continued to wave them about.

Ike got very quite. After a few moments of awkward silence he asked, quietly, "Someone gave those to...you?"

When Marth nodded, Ike began laughing once more.

"Well _princess _I think you should be flattered, obviously you have a secret admirer. One who apparently doesn't even know what gender you are."

Math glared coldly at him as he finished his second fit. Wiping a few tears from his eyes, Ike asked, somewhat shakily,"Who gave those to you anyway?"

"Captain Falcon..." he answered.

The name caused Ike to sober up, looking thoughtful. "Yeah I guess that makes sense. He always asks a lot of questions about you and I think I caught him peaking in the window one night. I figured he just wanted to know more about your fighting techniques or something..."

"Yes because that's what someone does when they want to know about fighting techniques, they stalk the person obsessively." The sarcasm was all but dripping from the prince's mouth.

"You know I don't have to help you..."

"...sorry," Marth mumbled after a moment, putting on his best apologetic face.

Seeing the seemingly sorry look on the prince's face, caused Ike to feel a tiny bit of guilt for making fun of him.

"All right what do you want me to do? Give him a stern talking to, or just beat his face in?"

Marth sighed."You don't think I haven't tried that already. I had the man on crutches for about a month, remember?"

Ike eyed him. "That was you?...he said he fell..."

"..off a ladder, yes I know," Marth finished, cracking his knuckles, "Believe me no ladder could do what I did to that man."

Ike winced. "Okay fine, what do you need me for then?"

The prince suddenly became flushed and look somewhat nervous. "I need you to be my escort," he said after a moment.

"How is that any different that what I am now?" Ike asked, confused. "Are you gonna start paying me or..."

"NO, no, no," Marth stopped him with a swift hand motion."My escort around the manor, just for show, you know make me look taken."

"What the hell?" Ike demanded."I am not going to gallivant around with you like some kind of man whore or worse yet a boyfriend, forget it."

Marth's charm had failed, so it was time to pull out the big guns. Plan B.

"Fine." he said with a devious smirk. "Be that way, but believe me I am not going to forget this. I may have put Falcon in crutches, but you'll need a wheelchair when I'm done with you, cause you won't be walking straight for a long, long time."

Ike grabbed for his cape and asked hurriedly, "When do we do this?"

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* * *

Captain Douglas Jay Falcon was a respected fighter by his peers. A man of action, valor and courage. The kind of man all little boys wanted to grow up to be.

At least that's what he told himself.

The truth was that he was just a man. A man hopelessly in love with a beautiful teal haired princess who seemed to enjoy playing coy. Not that Falcon didn't enjoy playing the whole 'hard to get' routine. It seemed more often than not, to be how women reacted to him.

With his large muscles and tight suit that left little to the imagination, he considered himself too much man for them to handle.

Any other time he would have given up his "courting' after a month but this one, this girl was special. He could feel it and that was the reason he would seek her out tonight and ask her to go to out with him.

Again.

Last time had clearly, been a misunderstanding. The poor girl must have been stressed or perhaps she was having her monthly visitor. Whatever the reason, he knew that this time, things were going to go much more smoothly.

Singing a cheery tune to himself, the man walked (all but pranced really) around the mansion's garden grabbing flowers for his next bouquet.

It was a known fact that Princess Peach loved to garden these particular flowers and would probably murder the man if she saw him picking them, but it was a risk he was willing to take.

Anything was worth love, even death by a frying pan.

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* * *

Somewhere along the way, the two men had ended up in the kitchen. Marth blamed Ike. The man had such a ferocious appetite he couldn't even walk by the vicinity of the eating area without having to partake in something.

_ It's not even one yet so technically we're having breakfast_, Ike had informed him.

So here they sat side by side, enjoying their belated breakfast.

Or rather Ike ate, whilst Marth had some rather expensive wine.

After Marth had polished off about two glasses, Ike glanced over at the man, feeling he should be at least a little concerned. The last thing he wanted was an alcoholic for a room mate. "Bit early to start drinking isn't it?" he asked.

Marth just glared at him and poured himself another glass. "Nothing wrong with a little drink to calm the nerves." he responded with a hiccup.

Ike shook his head. "Little, my ass," he mumbled.

After they had finished, Ike went to put his dishes in the sink while Marth attempted to act like the world wasn't spinning. Ike frowned when he saw Marth stumble around his own chair.

He had lost count of how many glasses Marth had drank. Too many, obviously.

Just then, Samus appeared, wearing only her zero suit. She reached for a bowl to put some bran flakes in when she saw Marth nearly trip over his own two feet. She looked over at Ike, who pretended he hadn't been staring at her large...assets, and asked, "Is he alright?"

Ike shrugged. "I think so..." he stopped when he saw Marth trying to get through a door by slicing it to bits. "Er..maybe not."

As Ike went over to assist in opening the door properly, Samus poured her cereal wondering what the hell was wrong with the Fire Emblem crew.

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* * *

Roy groaned loudly, utterly bored out of his skull.

When Pit had approached him and asked if he would like to accompany him on an outing to the woods, berry picking was _not_ what the red head had assumed he meant.

Turned out Pit was very particular about what kind of berries he picked. As he floated, small basket in hand, it seemed only the very best made it into the angels hand, for further speculation, before being placed ever so gently in the basket.

Roy hadn't even bothered to ask what the berries were for and frankly, he couldn't have cared less.

All he cared about was Pit and getting into Pit's pants.

However, as if reading the boy's thoughts, Pit's group of animal friends had decided to join them as well. For Pit's protection, Roy supposed. Protection from him.

Looking back on it now, Roy probably still would have come with the angel, if only to be able to spend time with him, even if he wasn't alone. However this did not change the fact that he was B-O-R-E-D, bored.

As Pit plucked another berry, his friend the bluebird, chirped something at him. Pit paused, then agreed. "Yes, I suppose your right, this one won't do at all." he then placed the berry back on it's stem, with his angel magic.

The novelty of such a trick had worn off for Roy about an hour ago. So what should have been considered a miracle, worthy of praise, only caused the boy to sigh, tiredly.

Hearing this made the chipmunk on Pit's shoulder, turn around and glare at him. It then chirped something into the angel's ear. It was just Roy's luck that the animal should hear him, damn things and their good sense of hearing.

Pit seemed to mull over whatever the animal had said, then looked back at Roy with the saddest eyes he had ever seen. "Your not bored are you?" he asked pouting slightly with eyes that were shinning so big and bright, Roy developed a colossal sized, guilt ridden lump in his throat.

"No...no of course not," Roy stuttered, face flushed and heart racing. "This is probably the funnest thing I've ever done."

Pit smiled brightly and nodded happily. "I thought so, see..." he said addressing his chipmunk friend, "He's not bored, you silly thing." With that he patted the creature on the head and went back to his berry picking.

This did not bode well for the animal and it glared at Roy vowing it would be rid of him, yet. Roy stuck out his tongue while simultaneously giving the rodent the finger. It squeaked at him indignantly.

Pit continued to hum and pick his berries, unaware of the heated tension going on behind him. He was just about to pick an especially perfect looking one, when his hand was suddenly pushed out of the way. A large hand swooped in and picked it off first.

Pit looked at the perpetrator appalled.

Captain Falcon, oblivious to Pit's presence, placed the berries in _his own_ basket.

Having returned to his room, the man had realized his arrangement was still lacking something. A little pizazz if you will. He decided berries would make a nice addition.

How he had managed to sneak up on them, with no one hearing him, is still a mystery.

The captain's dismissal of him, did not please Pit in the slightest. "I was grabbing for those, you know," he said.

Falcon had in fact not seen him as he turned to look at the boy with surprise. After taking a good look at Pit, he leered. "Well sorry there little lady, but I need these here berries."

Pit's eye twitched, "What did you just call me?" he asked dangerously, as the sky darkened around him.

Roy, sensing a storm a brewing, tried to calm the angel down.

For as much as he didn't like the captain, he knew, all too well, how easy it was to mistake the angelic boy for a girl.

"He didn't mean it," Roy said, in a hushed tone. "He's just dumb, he thinks Marth's a girl too."

This seemed to calm Pit down somewhat. He still wanted his berries back though.

So he faced the captain, flying up to be at eye level with him, and all but commanded, "Give me back my berries!"

This caused the man to laugh, in good humor. "No can do miss, I need the very best berries for my bouquet."

Pit placed his hands on his hips and suspiciously raised an eyebrow, "Bouquet?" he asked.

The captain had a faraway look in his eyes, "Yes, the perfect bouquet, for my prefect love." he said dreamily.

Pit was curious now. "Your love?" he asked.

Things like love and affections were still so new to the angel and he welcomed any opportunity to learn more.

Falcon nodded, "I have to give these to her when I ask her to be my girlfriend."

Pit stayed silent, seemingly in thought, while Roy asked, with some hesitation, "Um...who exactly is this 'princess' you keep talking about?"

Somehow, he already knew the answer.

"Why, the beautiful and mysterious, teal haired princess, whose name I don't know," Captain Falcon said passionately.

Roy made a face. "_Prince_ Marth, right?" he asked, emphasizing the word prince.

Falcon blinked, (not that you could see it) and continued to smile, in his creepy manor

"The one you've been stalking for like forever. The one I used to room with?" Roy continued in a hurry, the man was starting to give him the willies.

Falcon laughed and roughly patted the top of Roy's head, "You alright there boy?" he asked. "I don't know who your talking about, but my true love is without a doubt a princess."

Roy shoved the man's hand away in disgust.

No one touched Roy's hair, but him...no one.

He grabbed at said hair protectively and glared coldly at the man. "Well you may as well give up, because your _princess_ already has a man." he snapped.

Falcon looked at him in an unbelieving manner. "How would you know?" he sneered.

"Why do you think he keeps turning you down?" Roy asked just as childish.

"Because..." Falcon hesitated as he thought about it. "She's just shy..." he finished lamely.

Roy smirked looking smug. "Keep telling yourself that bub."

Score one for Roy.

"Are you talking about Ike?" Pit asked, out of nowhere. Roy nodded.

"Ike?" Falcon mumbled, mulling the name around his rather empty noggin.

Pit smiled and nodded. "Yeah Ike, real nice guy, has blue hair, and a really big sword."

This must have jogged something in the man's memory for he snapped his fingers in remembrance. "Now I remember him. He's a wild man and definitely not fit to be with my princess. I thought he was being helpful when I asked him things about her, but he was laughing at me all along. He was playing me for a fool." the man said in anguish.

"..not like that's hard...," Roy mumbled.

"Well," Falcon proclaimed, raising an erect finger in the air, "We shall see about this. I will win my love anyway I must, but mark my words, this Ick shall pay."

Thus once again, did the man charge off towards the mansion and disappeared onto the horizon.

Pit smiled fondly "Wow," he said, eyes twinkling," he must really love him."

Having said that, the angel went back to his berry picking, as if nothing had happened.

Roy sniffed and pouted.

How come Pit never noticed _his_ big sword?...

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* * *

Ike had lost Marth.

He didn't know how, but he had done it. One minuet he was there, then _poof_ gone the next.

Granted he should probably shouldn't have turned his back on the man, even for something as important as having to take a leak. But when natures calls...

What surprised him most, was Marth's new found mobility. Seeing as to how he could barely stand, let alone walk, even before Ike had lost him. An intoxicated Marth was not to be left alone, that much Ike knew.

He trekked almost the entire mansion, which in it's self was quite a feat, having to fight the temptation to call the man's name out like some lost dog.

Ike was left empty handed. It seemed none of the other brawlers had seen Marth either.

Almost like he had just fallen off the face of the earth.

Ike knew that would simply be too good to be true, and with his luck the prince would probably come back and haunt him, or something.

After he was sure Marth wasn't anywhere inside the mansion, Ike decided to begin his next area of search out in the garden.

He reached for the back door, when it was suddenly yanked open from the other direction, sending him sprawling, headfirst through the doorway.

After he had regained his balance, Ike turned and glanced back, only to be met with a _nearly_ expertly timed Falcon Punch.

Luckily, Ike had battled Captain Falcon in brawls before so he was able to evade it...barely.

After regaining his balance for a second time, Ike stood, breathing heavily and royally pissed.

"What the hell was that for?" he asked.

Captain Falcon seemed to be attempting his own version of kung fu and was looking like a complete moron. "You shall pay for what you have done." he said, trying to his best to sound intimidating.

"What are you talking about?" Ike asked confused, he hadn't done anything to the man, not _yet_ anyway.

"Don't try to vex me with your sly ways, you snake," Falcon seethed, still doing his 'moves.'

"Excuse me?" Ike demanded. _What was this guy on?_

Just then, seemingly out of nowhere, the recently unaccounted for Marth appeared in the doorway, looking a little worse for wear.

"There ya ar," he slurred, stumbling out and over to Ike.

Ike stared at him long and hard. "Where the hell were you?" he asked. Marth just giggled.

Meanwhile Captain Douglas Jay Falcon, was watching appalled as his beloved stuttered around like a Jezebel. This did not sit well with him at all.

So he grabbed the prince by the arm, just before he could reach Ike.

"Lemme go," Marth demanded. He tried pulling away with another giggle.

"No, can't you see dearest, he's no good for you, he's got you intoxicated so he can have his way with you."

Ike rolled his eyes.

"..but don't worry," the man continued, valiantly, "I'll protect you from his philandering ways."

Ike frowned, this man was crazier than even Marth had led on. "Let him go Falcon, I'm not going to take 'advantage' of him. I was actually just going to get him into bed."

Ike stopped and thought about what he had just said.

Judging by Falcon's smug look he must have said what he thought he'd said. "Wait that came out wrong..."

Falcon laughed at him. Finally the scum had shown his true colors.

"I knew it!" Falcon proclaimed, "You will not touch one hair on her head!"

"Wasn't planning on it," Ike mumbled.

Marth meanwhile was still wiggling to get out of the strong man's grip. After many failed attempts, the prince did the only thing he could think of...he bit him.

Falcon released the man with a loud yelp. Marth huffed, and stumbled to the side.

The captain looked at his beloved in dismay, "You bit me." he stated, unnecessarily.

Marth nodded, causing him to nearly fall over in the process.

"Can we go inside so you can sleep this off?" Ike pleaded.

Marth shook his head solemnly.

Somewhere in his currently hazy memory, he knew this was what he needed to do. Something needed to be said to this Captain Falcon. Unfortunately this something escaped him right now.

Ike groaned while Falcon smiled. "So it has come to this," Falcon said with confidence, "We shall allow the maiden to chose who her knight will be."

Ike cringed at the word knight. "No you don't understand I..."

"Let her decide!" the man bellowed.

Marth stared from one man to the other, bleary eyed.

_ When had the ground started moving_ he wondered and _why did Ike have three heads_.

Ike opened his mouth to interject, but Marth silenced him.

The prince took a shaky breath and said, "I choose..I choose...**I choose you Pikachu**!" before collapsing to the ground.

Pikachu came running out from a random bush,"Pika, Pika," it squeaked, before dashing back into the mansion.

...

"Well alright," Ike said. He looked back at Falcon, only to see tears streaming down the man's face.

"She has made her decision," the man blubbered, "and I shall respect her for that. Even though I don't approve of her choice in inter species relationships..." the man seemed unable to contain himself and charged back into the mansion.

Ike took a few cleansing breaths. Once he was sure his head wasn't going to explode from the stupidity he had just witnessed, he walked calmly over to Marth, hoisted the man over his shoulder and headed back into the mansion.

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* * *

Marth awoke with a pounding headache. He groaned softly as he felt the stinging light coming though the window. He attempted to turn away from it but something large and solid stopped him.

Sapphire eyes bore down on him. "Good morning sunshine," Ike said dully.

Marth groaned again, and rubbed the sleep from his eyes, all the while willing his head to stop throbbing. "What happened?"

Ike closed the book he'd been reading and stretched. "Well," Ike said around a yawn, "You got what you wanted. I don't think old captains going to bother you anymore."

He figured the minor detail about the man thinking Marth was into bestiality, to be just that... minor.

"How?," Marth started only to be interrupted by Ike's curt reply.

"The how is not important. I'll tell you what is important, this drinking habit of yours."

Marth had the decency to be somewhat embarrassed. "I was nervous." the man argued, weakly.

Ike just sighed and laid his head back against a pillow.

Marth looked around, just now realizing they where on a bed. "Why are you on my bed?" he asked.

Ike grunted.

Marth smiled as if the blue haired man had just said the most romantic thing he had ever heard. "You were worried about me weren't you?"

Ike grunted again, "Only worried you'd drown in your own saliva, then people would get suspicious and think I've murdered you or something," he stated in a matter of fact way.

Marth giggled and poked the mercenaries arm playfully. "Liar," he whispered.

Ike looked over at him and shrugged. He closed his eyes, fully intent on getting some well deserved rest, when he felt Marth shift next to him. He opened his eyes ready to tell the man to stop moving around and was met with Marth's mouth on his.

He made no move to stop him.

For as much as Ike liked to believe he was the dominator of this so called 'relationship', Marth had proved time and time again that this was not _always_ the case.

The prince had a libido like none other and used it to his advantage on many an occasion.

Ike hated to admit it but it was alluring.

So, as Marth moved his hands down the mercenaries' body intent on finding every pleasure spot he possessed, Ike couldn't have been more content to let him do so.

Although this was not how he figured he'd spend the rest of the day, Ike never really did consider himself much of a complainer.


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